clarkatroid is not folding

off on a golfing holiday tomorrow morning , so this just a quick post keep the figures up to date

it was a frustrating month in the main, spending most of it in the hole, which was a result of having a few failed shots at 25/50, and running like death at my normal stakes. i thought another losing month was on the cards with a week to go, but fortunately managed to turn it around in the last few days. im pretty chuffed with the end result all things considered.

Oh and i decided not play wcoop after the first few days as it was just way too late time wise. i cashed in the w$ and plan to play northern lights at blackpool instead

hands - 97876
profits - $17132
rakeback - $5200
total profit - $22332
im playing too many hands from the sb, but im not sure if -18bb/100 is a leak. if anyone wants to compare hm stats then let me know

Having played this game for around 7 years and around 3 million hands, ive had plenty of ups and downs.

The ups are truly exhilarating, especially in the first few years. you go to sleep at night very content at a job well done. Time and experience help put a perspective on the current euphoria though. You realise you've had an exceptional day, its still very satisfying, but you know its not "normal".

However, recovering from a downswing is a different ball game. These are especially difficult to recover from as there are several forces working against you

1) financially your in the hole. And you want the money back

this is the initial phase, but it quickly turns into,

2) stress, anxiety, and frustration. Is this the end of my poker playing days ?

and lastly

3) you feel dejected. Theres no way out. The cards are conspiring against you

The last part sounds crazy, only the donks talk about it being rigged right? It crosses my subconcious mind when im getting nailed over and over and over at the tables. i know its ludicrous, but in the heat of battle and a downswing its always there. You feel like the worlds against you

Heres the thing though. An this is a mathematical certainty if you play long enough -

At some point you will run worse than you ever imagined possible

You need to be mentally prepared for this steam train, otherwise the results can be completely disasterous.

The worst reaction is feeling sorry for yourself. Your bad run consumes you, its at the back of your mind constantly, always there thoughout every non poker related decision. Everytime your mind has a blank moment, the downswing fills that gap. You start posting bad ev graphs on the forums, backslapping other "run bad" players. Seeking re-assurance from your peers that you are a good player because your beginning to doubt yourself

Theres lot a written on variance and downswings, but not much literature on how to deal with it, so heres my take in one very important sentence (imo)

Meet success and failure with equal measure

Train your mind to accept a good month and a bad month with no emotions. Feel nothing when you win a pot, nothing when you lose a pot. If you can train your mind to do this, then you will be a much much better player. Eradicate the emotional apsect, and you have arrived as a player. Bigtime. Constantly focusing on each decision. Cold, calculating poker decisions, no emotions involved. Not forcing the issue when your stuck, not getting it in high variance spots when your winning, total control.

Thats what the really good players are good at, and where im aiming to be eventually. In a state of grace. Permanently in the zone. As near as you can get to a pokerbot i suppose

Theres soo soo much variance in this game that you have to try to do this. Emotions cloud the decison making process. Im not there yet, probably wont ever get there, but im getting much better at controlling it.

Being self aware is critical also. Poker is the most delusional environment ive ever come across. As a winning player, this is where the profit comes from. A winning player profits from others dellusionality.

I play in a game where another reg calls me a "set up artist" . But the truth is i have an edge on him. His ego wont allow him to see this though. And so he plays in the same games as me. As i mentioned in my last post, id like to think i know when im a table where im outmatched, and , well i just leave. Theres thousands of other cyber games out there, no need to stay.

The point is, there is no room for your ego in poker. If you ego isnt in check, then it suffocates your progress as a player, it blinds your decision making progress from table selection to hand analysis. Ultimately, prevents you from maximising your true potential

Its 2am and im trying to stay awake so my bodyclock is conditioned for what hopefully will be a few night shifts when wcoop starts in 2 days, i dont want to play poker, so heres some random poker blog thoughts

i think theres more variance than most players recognise. Its taken me a long time, and 2 million hands to realise this. last year i went on a 6 month heater at 5/10, winning at an average of 5pt bbs over 1/2 a million hands. At the time i had no idea if this was normal, now i know it isnt.

It all came to an end when i lost 30k in december, through a combination of playing drunk one night, which was the catalyst, and reading coles souths online 6 max poker e-book. I learnt my lesson from the first one and havent played drunk since, but the poker e-book really destroyed my game for a couple of months. It was a fancy piece of reading alright, using buzz words like combinatronics etc. But i figured at 1800 bucks per copy, the content should be shit hot, and i tried to implement the strategies in an effort to improve my game . the general theme is to play tight but fight for every pot. In practice spewed up all the the gaff

It was the equivalent of having a stroke but in poker terms. losing 30k shattered my confidence. That was last december and i havent played 5/10 full time since. i spent 2 months at the start of the year grinding 2/4 trying to find my old game back and barely broke even

What have i learned from that experience, apart from dont play pissed? Well that poker is still in its infancy as an industry and dont believe everything you read. The reality is that you can win at poker playing very laggy or very nitty and everywhere in between. No one system is right. You can also win playing really aggro or relatively passive postflop. There is no one definative guide to winning. just tips and pointers along the way
Its up to each individual to find his on style.

What im trying to say is watching poker videos or reading tons of strategy doesnt make you a good player as theres so much contradictory and misinformation out there. This is a different outlook from when i first started playing, when i thought pokerxfactor and pocket5s were the dogs balls. I was in every training site, now im only in one. i used to read all the forums, now i only read 2p2 msnl and hsnl. i find most training videos boring. Im not trying to say i know it all because im still an average reg, but ive watched maybe a hundred vids, and to be fair i dont think theres much else to say.

Ive learnt more from playing volumes, and watching other good players at my table than any training aid

Ive learnt to learnt to leave virtual felt when i have no edge a the table. this happens a lot. Most players think they are better players than they are. I used to think i was gods gift to poker when i was slam dunking 40k a month last summer. Now i know my place. I know which regs i have an edge on, and why. i know who has my number, and why.  Poker is the most dellusional game ive ever played. Everyones an expert

people from outside poker cannot in anyway relate to what a grinder does. Most people look down on you as some sort of degen gambler

i still get really mad when i get outdrawn. in every pot. i cant help it. The stress of playing is huge. its the most stressful job ive ever done

its the most lucrative thing ive ever done. thats why i play tons of hands each month but its still less than 35 hours a week. It all feels too good to be true. Im playing a lot, as i dont think i have much time left before the games are too hard. im amazed at the lack of volume some of my peers contribute

you go on huge heaters and long coolers. trying to keep a level head when things arent going your way and not tilting is the hardest part of the job. working for 15 days at the start of the month, grinding up your profits to 15k, then getting them wiped out in 2 sessions is damn difficult to handle. but it happens. i usually have at least 2x10k downswings a month so you think i would get used to it, but i still want to jump off blackpool tower everytime one hits me

im boring myself writing this so apologies to anyone reading it, im just trying to send myself to sleep